Sexual Communication can happen through everything from conversation (which includes letters, emails, texts, etc), to body language, to pheromones, to the animal sounds we make during sex…
And when you’re bad at it, it screws up your life.
Everything from flirting, to dating to relationships, marriage, parenting, and every stage in between is frustrating, fragile, and sometimes just impossible.
When you’re good at it… all of that stuff is fun, durable, and deeply fulfilling.
The 5 Critical Skills of Sexual Communication that I’m going to be focusing on are…
1) Sexual Polarity
The term was popularized by David Deida in the late 90s, but it’s been around since at least the mid 1800s–
A metaphor from electromagnetism that notes that the masculine and the feminine are universally and naturally attracted to each other, exactly as opposite poles of a magnet.
Sexual desire, sexual tension, and that tingling sensation that underlies the difference between “just friends” and romantic interest are caused by sexual polarity…
But unfortunately, most men and women haven’t a clue about how this crucial part of Sexual Communication works.
What’s super crazy about this is that, we all know it when we’re feeling it! And yet most of us have no idea how to “do” it intentionally.
And just to mess with your head and make matters much worse, the Internet is FILLED with a nearly endless amount of truly wrong-headed information on the subject.
2) Talking About Hard Stuff
It’s hard to fire an employee, tell a friend they have bad breath, or negotiate a price on something really important to you…
There are no end to “hard subjects” to talk about in life…
But when these hard subjects involve sex, desire, relationship… in other words, when these conversation happen inside of sexual polarity, it’s about 100 times harder to stay cool, communicate what you are trying to communicate, understand what the other person really wants… and GET WHAT YOU NEED.
3) Understanding What Your Partner Wants Sexually and Romantically
Sometimes this is “hard stuff” to talk about– but just as often it really ought to be FUN STUFF to talk about.
And yet, really asking our partner in a way that gives them permission and safety to really talk about what they want can be excruciating. It can point powerfully to a deficit in trust, or uncomfortable insecurities and fears.
Some partners are super-vocal about exactly what they want and expect in the relationship, and what they want and expect during sex–
4) Dealing With Insecurity & Neediness
Sex and romance are the two areas that are most likely to trigger a human’s insecurity. Needless to say, when we’re insecure, our communication is screwed.
And our biological NEEDS around sex, intimacy, touch, closeness, acceptance, and affection… well… it’s easy to see how humans can quite easily be triggered into neediness in Sexual Communication!
5) How To Become The Kind Of Person That A Highly Desirable Partner Wants To Fall In Love With and Stay In Love With
I’m going to argue that being good at Sexual Communication is, by itself, the master key to this particular endeavor–
If you’re super-good at the first 4, the 5th is nearly guaranteed.
Now of course there is a lot here that just has to do with preference, chemistry, and alignment of current values and life phase…
But also there are some very specific areas of Sexual Communication that powerfully activate trust, commitment, desire, passion, generosity, and love.